Erin took a long, deep breath and closed her eyes as she once again started out on an attempt at meditation. In main part she was driven to quieten or even stop the seemingly ever present and occasionally overwhelming stream of internal chatter. But as was often the case the noise only seemed to grow louder and more persistent. She’d started the process so many times, quickly felt she was failing, and here she was again, caught up in a the questioning narrative directed at her, centred around the many unanswered questions she had on the topic of life. Her life. Thoughts, doubts and concerns about short-lived feelings of happiness and fulfilment. She had a great career that paid well and as such gave her many of the things that most of her friends filled their lives with: a nice house, new car, holidays abroad, designer clothes etc. But was that it? Also it felt that everything related to who she was was completely tied up in what she did and what she had.
Increasingly, she felt it wasn’t enough. There was a void, an ever present sense of emptiness, and nothing she bought or did appeared to fill it. Where was the fulfilment she longed for? Where was the joy? Whatever that missing something was it was time to explore and do something about it. Time to really explore what SHE wanted. She felt a degree of anxiety about the possibility of change and the uncertainty of doing something different. It wasn’t the first time she’d been here and at such times the inner critic grew louder, instantly reminding her of all of the reasons she couldn’t or shouldn’t even attempt to change anything. If she did then everything would, of course, go wrong. It would fail, she would fail. She’d end up with nothing, she’d end up unhappier.
What would people think? Worse, what would people say?
Although her current life circumstances may have felt uncomfortable, and occasionally unbearable, she was reminded, frequently, that it was safe. And it wasn’t only the inner critic that reminded her of that ‘fact’. There were the outer critics too: people around her, people she considered she was close to. Family, friends and colleagues.
So, should she stick with ‘safe’?
If there was any potential light in this ever present and seemingly endless showering of input from inner and outer voices, it was the recognition that deep down she knew she wasn’t in agreement with what was being said. The narratives she’d lived with for as long she could remember weren’t hers. A cross-cutting theme throughout the discomfort was a growing sense that what others’ believed was right for her, who they thought she should be, what they said she should and should not do (and why), were not in alignment with her own thoughts and feelings, or with what she wanted from life.
The cosmic ringtone on her watch sounded the end of the session, bringing her back to the present moment. Like it or not it meant she had to spring into action, get ready, and head out to work. Sadly, without the bucketloads of drive and enthusiasm she felt she used to have. While she showered she asked herself whether in fact it was ever really there. In some ways her career gave her everything and yet in other ways it gave her nothing. It was all she’d ever known, it was all her parents had ever wanted her to do, it was all her friends identified with her as. Erin the high flying professional.
Who would she be if she decided to do something else? Who would she be if she decided to someone else? Who was the real Erin?
“Time to write the story I want to own and live!” she said out loud, surprising herself by connecting with her too often hidden inner child she playfully waved magic fingers at herself in the mirror.
She wasn’t certain why but an enormous, reassuring smile broke out across her face and as it did a flutter of butterflies danced across her stomach.
A few weeks later, whilst participating in a workshop that really wasn’t like her to have signed up for, she had a moment that on reflection she could only refer to later as an epiphany. Whilst the workshop facilitator was giving an overview of the next exercise the sound of gentle sobbing could be heard. The facilitator stopped and slowly gazed around the room, looking to find the source of what sounded like sorrow.
Once he found it, he gently asked if everything was ok. Between breaths the participant responded “No it isn’t, I didn’t come on this workshop to be reminded of all the things I wanted to do with my life but haven’t”.
There was total silence.
Without thinking, and much to her own surprise (and a little embarrassment) Erin shouted at the top of her voice “I HAVE!!”.
And, like the crazy woman one or two friends had told her she’d become, she waved her magic fingers and couldn’t stop giggling.
